Today was difficult at times. Clare is between two babies who are significant criers, and depending on my mood, I vacillate between feeling awful about their crying (one in particular we know has significant medical issues and is no doubt in pain or at least uncomfortable much of the time, and the other we think is probably not very good at self-soothing) and feeling tense. Thankfully, Clare doesn't seem to mind--and we know she can hear because she startles when we open an isolette portal door too loudly. I at least find it hard to completely relax when the neighbor babies are inconsolable.
In addition, we don't have much privacy with her, either. We have curtains that we can draw around her isolette so I can pump or Tim or I can kangaroo her, but the curtains are only about five feet tall and anyone walking close by can see in if they chose to look. Thankfully, families are respectful of one another and don't, but the nursing staff often has to check in on Clare's lines and the curtain butts up against our nurse's work area, where she does her reports and works on the computer, so there just isn't a lot of privacy. A number of people told me that when I delivered, I'd quickly get over any sense of modesty; I just figured I'd regain it after my baby was born! Granted, it's no big deal--the nursing staff is wonderful and they're just grateful to us moms who pump, because I don't think a lot do--and I feel ungrateful for griping, because the whole setup is created so they can provide the intense medical care our babies need, while giving us parents a semblance of privacy with our babies. I guess some days I just bring more resilience with me than others, and today just wasn't one of those days. I just want my baby to be well enough so that I can hold her when I want to. It's hard to be a mom without a baby.
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